the battle between hope and defeat

today i am exactly 28 weeks.  that means 12 more to go.  the helplessness and defeat and desperation i feel knowing that there are still 12 more weeks to go are indescribable.  i am thankful, incredibly thankful, that atticus, as far as i can tell by how active and rambunctious he is inside me, is healthy and doing well, playing nicely inside, having a ball.  i love him and i’m excited to meet him.  but i’m sad that i hate pregnancy this much, that i have nothing positive to say when people ask how i’m doing, that the best i can do is smile tightly and say, “the same” or “i’m hanging in there.”  it’s too bad that when someone’s nice enough to say, “you look great though; your skin is glowing,” in my head i’m thinking, “it’s just nice makeup, you idiot.”  as with every other challenge i’ve faced in my life, i’m annoyed and exasperated at myself for finding it so difficult.  i wonder why i have such a low threshold for pain, why i’m such a weakling.  when i was pregnant with toni and seeing a counselor to sort out my many issues, she said it was good not just for me but for my unborn child that i’m addressing these things now – that it’ll prepare me that much more to be a better mother to toni.

it amazes and appalls me that more than 3 years later, i’m in the same place – still dealing with the same sins, juggling the same heart issues.  one step forward, two steps back.  it is utterly exhausting that in the midst of some of the worst physical pain ever, there is so much emotional and spiritual pain to deal with as well.  but i guess in this dismal post, that’s where the hope comes in – as exhausting as it is, and as oppressingly heavy as the burden feels on my shoulders (and my heart and my soul and my back and my chest and my knees and my feet), i know deep down that it’s my own arrogance that insists i’m carrying anything at all.  i know that God is carrying me, and allowing this time of hardship to remind me to surrender yet again, daily, momently, to Him.  i am trying to live obediently, trying to find purpose – to be pleasing in His sight, to be content in Him and have Him be content with me.  all the while avoiding that works-based mentality, trying to earn anything.  although i am so slow to learn, and so quick to forget, that is where i see the hope – that in the thick of such misery, i know that God loves me.  i know that He is changing me.  i know that He loves me so much that i don’t even know how much.  and i know that i love Him, albeit awfully and poorly and barely.  so even on those days when i feel that defeat has won the battle for the day, i rest in the fact that hope is the overall victor.

His mercies never come to an end…they are new every morning….lamentations 3:22-23

best conversation ever

(i’m sitting on the toilet when toni saunters in.  um, yes, cuz i leave the door open when it’s just the three of us, so what).

t: whatchoo doing?

me: i’m pooping.

t: oh i dood it too.

me: you pooped?

t: yeah!  (proud smile)

me: really?  did you just poop now?

t: yeah! (laughing)

i turn her around and sniff her butt.  indeed, she did.

me: cool, mommy and toni both pooped at the same time!

t: yay!

we high-five.  andy changes toni’s diaper while i conveniently finish pooping myself.

hahaha…..it was just hilarious how she casually walked in to ask me what i was doing and then announced that she pooped too.  she’s really into “same” these days.

damaged*

*sorry if this title makes you think of (and start singing the chorus to) danity kane’s song.  but probably not, probably just me….

i am a damaged person.  i know this about myself, not in an overdramatic or unhealthy way, but just matter-of-factly.  i think some of my newer (and maybe some of my older?!) friends may think i tend to over-focus on my flaws and sins and all things generally negative.  this may be true at times – God knows that almost 3 years of counseling brought out that i have impossibly, ridiculously high standards for myself and everyone around me – but thankfully *most* of the time i am struggling with my sins in order to (try to) be more like Christ, which in turn makes me dwell on His grace and goodness.  it’s when i don’t make that final connection to God but get stuck on beating myself up that it gets bad.

these days i’m somewhere in between.  i’m realizing again that i am such an angry person.  i have so much rage.  why!?!  cuz of what!?!?  like, what horrible misfortune or abuse did i suffer in my life that i should be so….angry!?  it’s irrational and just plain wrong.  and you know what’s one of the things i hate MOST in other people?  a sense of entitlement.  i can’t stand it.  and yet i’m realizing that i act so entitled in so many ways, in little and big ways.  so deeply humbling and embarrassing to realize this.  i know that this is purely just sin in my heart that i need to repent of and be rid of.  i know that if i truly understood with all my heart and soul who Jesus is and what His death and resurrection mean for me, i wouldn’t be so angry.  my life is pretty comfortable.  great things are happening and God’s sovereignty is making itself known so clearly these days (in exciting ways i can’t even openly share yet!).  yes, physically i’m still a hot mess, and yes it takes a toll emotionally, but really it could be worse and i know it.  i love this lyric, “i don’t want to be the girl who has to fill the silence.  the quiet scares me because it screams the truth.”  i think about that line a lot because that’s me – today for once i didn’t blast my usual music in the car and i just drove in silence.  and i just broke down and wept…. i just needed to sit broken before the Lord….i don’t want to be this angry person; i don’t want this to be my default mood as i’m carrying another baby inside me, being his/her home, what is supposed to be his/her warm and loving dwelling place for months to come.

i’ve also always had a sad disposition.  i didn’t really realize it until a few years ago when i finally admitted i probably needed to go on anti-depressants, and i didn’t even think of that term on my own; my best friend, who’s also a health care provider, used it to describe me, and a light bulb went off.  i’ve always had tinges of depression and anxiety.  i have memories of being a little girl, in elementary school, just crying in bed in the dark for no reason, being worried – about nothing, anything, everything.  being sad.  it’s amazing how consistently that thread has run in my life.  i’ll watch the same choreography on tv as the person sitting next to me, listen to the same instrumental piece of music, and i’ll interpret both as heart-wrenching and tragic while the person next to me will be like, “oh that was nice.”  and i want to kill her for not getting it.  haha.

most of my friends know that i’ve always wondered why i was made this way.  in a way that seems so inconsistent with the way christians, God’s people, should be.  i used to struggle with this a LOT.  how am i supposed to love and serve His people when i can’t stand them?  when i could happily be alone in my house for weeks on end without talking to a soul?  why am i so dark and melancholy and sad?  i’m not very enjoyable company; i don’t exude God’s love like rays of sunshine.  yes, i get the concept of “already but not yet” but i always felt like i was….an extreme case of “not even close.”

well to get to some positive stuff, i’m happy to share that i’ve gotten to a much better place about the make-up of who i am.  very recently, i’ve decided that it’s ok, and it’s a good thing, that i feel things so deeply.  that i see things differently and can catch things that others may miss.  did ANYONE ELSE in the world cry at a scene in “hot tub time machine?”  can you even think of what scene it could possibly be and what about it made me hold back tears of compassion?  if so….awesome!!!  hahaha.  if not, and you’re laughing at me, that’s ok.  cuz that’s what makes me special, and i know that that’s what God will use (or has been using) to bless others through me.  it’s my hope and desire that God will use this very damagedness of mine to somehow encourage others.  i can only hope that my struggles with anxiety, depression, chronic pain, (uh, rage) – that seeing me surrender and be completely powerless and prostrate before the Lord can help someone else going through similar struggles to be encouraged at least in knowing that she is not alone.  that God honors our efforts and is merciful.  and i’m thankful (and i like) that i’m an honest person.  like this entire freaking post.  i’m ok with sharing all this, with wanting to be a part of the movement to get rid of the stigma and the shame of some of these subjects.  although maybe like 2 people are reading this, haha.

as we expect another baby to join the family in february, i’ve been thinking a lot about toni and the future baby and their “make-up” too.  i have no doubt in my mind that i will love baby #2 as much as i love toni – i know i have enough love in my heart.  but i do worry that i won’t LIKE him/her as much.  i realize the reason i LIKE toni so much is because she’s so much like andy, at least so far.  she’s a happy person.  she loves to laugh all day and make others laugh.  she’s silly and goofy and a ham.  a personality i envy and covet.  what if the second baby has my personality?  sullen and dark and serious?  ugh.  i know that, then, empathy and compassion will make me like him/her too….right!?  =9

but there are other parts of toni that resemble me.  she’s definitely sensitive and “high-maintenance” in certain ways.  she might have borderline ocd, which concerns us.  she freaks out if she gets a bit of yogurt on her cheek.  if she has a hangnail that she can’t pull off herself, she’ll go get her nail clipper and make me cut it right then and there.  if the sliding door on the tv stand isn’t closed all the way shut, she’ll go back and close it and be unable to enjoy her elmo dvd until she does.  and lastly, when i want to change her diaper on the floor, she has to get her blanket and lay it out PERFECTLY without any crinkles or wrinkles anywhere, with all four corners perfectly taut, not curling under or over, etc. – it takes FOREVER.  andy always blames me and my mother for teaching her by example, but seriously, we’re not THAT anal.  some of that has GOT to be nature more than nurture, yo.  so then i think, what if she’ll be prone to anxiety too?  fibromyalgia?  God forbid, depression?  (the girl already has gi issues and was on prevacid the first six months of her life – genetics are a bitch.)  i don’t want these things for her.  i wish there was a way i could guarantee they’ll stay far away from her (and all future children).  but i can’t.  again, i can only hope that, if she does have to deal with some of the same issues, i can teach by example to surrender to my Maker, my Healer, my Father…to cling to Him knowing that He loves me fiercely, to believe that His grace is sufficient, to not try to control but to trust….

does it seem odd and morbid that i’m writing about these things on the night of my wedding anniversary?  lol.  these things have been on my mind for a while now (and i’m TOTALLY dissatisfied with how fragmented and unorganized and even seemingly contradictory my thoughts are coming out but i’m too exhausted to truly care enough to do anything about it), but tonight i wanted to get these thoughts down, no matter how jumbled, for a good reason.  because andy moon is ginormous evidence of God’s love for me, and i want to celebrate that.  He is just so wise and gracious and loving to give me andy, to allow me to live my life with him.  i know that my life would be extremely unhappy without him.  i know that when i married andy in 2002, God lifted me out of a very dark place, and no matter how much i feared i’d return to that place, i never did.  don’t worry, i’m certainly not idolizing andy – been there, done that, over it, won’t happen again.  i’m just simply saying andy is a huge, fat, awesome, generous gift that God blessed me with, as He did again with toni, as He’ll do again in february.  so thank you, Lord, for your endless patience and forgiveness and loving gifts as i still struggle to work out my salvation.  and thank you as well, andy, for your patience and partnership and for the laughter in my life that would be absent without you.

what i want

i want to love Jesus more than i love being right

i want to love Jesus more than i love my bed

i want to love Jesus more than i love frozen yogurt

i want to love Jesus more than i love my tv shows

i want to love Jesus more than i love les miserable

i want to love Jesus more than i love sleep

i want to love Jesus more than i love my fashion magazines

i want to love Jesus more than i love dance

i want to love Jesus more than i love comfort

i want to love Jesus more than i love the sunshine

i want to love Jesus more than i love praise

i want to love Jesus more than i love tori amos

i want to love Jesus more than i love fiction

i want to love Jesus more than i love food

i want to love Jesus more than i love pretty things

i want to love Jesus more than i love music

i want to love Jesus more than i love myself

i want to love Jesus more than i love my husband

i want to love Jesus more than i love my daughter

i want to love people more because i love Jesus

i want to care what Jesus thinks more than i care what others think

i want to desire Jesus more than i desire being free of pain

but i don’t.  and my heart breaks for me.  so Lord, would you help me….

you know what

i apologize WAY too fucking much and i need to stop.

sorry for cursing.

an unfamiliar hope

i start on a tangent even before i really begin – the last few weekends have been so incredibly gorgeous in the city.  the only reason i’m indoors writing this right now is because we had to come in for toni’s naptime.  the three of us have been spending every waking moment possible outside, soaking in the sun, and it’s been absolutely blissful.  =)  happy.  but of course even with this God shows me a lesson.  i’ve been SO insanely happy when the sun is out that i’ve been evaluating my heart and attitude when the sun is NOT out, or when it’s raining.  God is the same God.  ann is the same ann.  i’ve needed to repent for letting such a conditional thing affect the state of my heart so.  some of you may think i’m over analyzing or reading into it, but…that’s cuz you don’t know how awful i get inside and out when it’s cloudy out.  so i’ve been trying to be thankful for rain when it rains.  =9  it’s hard.

these days i’ve been feeling a newfound kind of hope.  most people probably wouldn’t be surprised that i’m not generally a hopeful person.  not optimistic, don’t see the world through rose-colored glasses.  as i’ve shared, i feel like the last few months i’ve gotten my spiritual ass kicked – in having my eyes truly opened – in discovering the layers beyond layers of sin and messed-up-ness deep inside.  but maybe most wouldn’t be surprised to hear, perhaps because they’ve experienced it themselves, that it’s in the midst of all this that i feel hopeful about the outlook.  i could easily feel defeated, that just when i think i couldn’t possibly find anything more wrong with my heart, i do.  and sometimes, for a split second, i do feel defeated.  i think that’s satan and my own pride making it all about me again.  but overall, these days, i feel at peace in knowing that God will finish the work He’s begun in me.  i didn’t realize it myself, but a wise person pointed out to me that it’s because for the first time, I’m placing my hope in something outside of myself, and furthermore, in God.  it’s insane to think that all these years i was not really putting my hope in the Lord but in myself…but i think she’s right.  i know it’s God and nothing but His work in me that have placated my anxiety and stress and fear about the future and what it does or doesn’t hold.  these days i literally think to myself, “everything is going to be ok, no matter how effed up i am.”  =)

another huge epiphany i’ve had lately is that…apparently i never really let myself believe or accept God’s forgiveness.  there were signs and hints of this everywhere in my actions and words, but a big incident recently – and my extreme reaction to it – proved that…yeah, really, i don’t think i ever got it before.  with the help of my wonderful husband, i’m beginning to see that although i knew how to speak the theology like an expert and claim that of course i knew and believed it, i didn’t really.  my standards and expectations of myself and others around me demonstrate that i wasn’t truly accepting God’s forgiveness.  i’m thankful that God is opening my eyes to see all this so that i can respond accordingly, and so that i can let go of my idols and stop punishing myself.

on a final note, um, it’s may.  just wanted to point out that crazy fact.

triple whammy

1 – Christ is risen.  He had to die on the cross for the sins of mankind, including mine.  and even if i had been the only human being on earth, He still would’ve done it, just for me, and for that i love Him.  every year, i think, wow, this good friday i REALLY understand the depth of what Jesus did on the cross; it’s REALLY hitting me.  and somehow, i feel it even more the next year.  this year, again, i feel new meaning and new understanding because more than ever (and i didn’t think it possible) i have discovered just how weak and helpless and broken and utterly powerless i am on my own.  a slave to my sin, doomed to fail over and over again.  it took God sending His son to die a cruel, undeserving death so that i could be free.  i am beginning to understand that freedom, to crave it and embrace it for what it is.  i am excited to know that God will continue teaching me and revealing these truths to me.  thank you Jesus.  you make me sing:

Sing to Jesus…Lord of our shame…Lord of our sinful hearts…He is our Great Redeemer

2 – i’m 32 today.  i feel really old and yet i feel really young.  go figure.

3 – 11 years ago today, the last time my birthday fell on easter sunday, andy moon asked me out for my 21st birthday and made my dreams come true.  i can honestly say (a little bit proudly, a little bit embarrassedly) that i’ve never prayed for something so much/so hard in my life.  it’s dangerous, to start thinking that that’s why God “gave” me andy moon – because i prayed so much for him/it, and that if i pray harder for the healing of my fibro or for my parents’ salvation, pray for those things an hour a day like i did for andy moon, that those things would finally be granted too.  i know that that’s works-based theology and not quite right.  all i know is God knew how much i wanted him, and He was good enough to grant it.  and even though sometimes, yeah, i wanna throw a chair over his head and choke his thick neck, and i wish he’d just once in a while wash his face at night WITH SOAP and stop chewing on his cuticles til they bleed so that we have to WASTE money on extra boxes of band-aids – oh wait sorry i digress – i’m still so in love with him.  haha, really, i am.  i adore him.  and i’m thankful for that.  there have been challenging moments for sure,  but God has been so faithful to our relationship for the last 11 years, and so has andy moon.  even though the boy doesn’t say it nearly enough, i know he loves me so much.  that fool loves me, yo.  =)  he shows me in his actions more than i do him, and i know that, really, actions speak louder than words.  he still makes me laugh out loud every day, i still think he’s “so cuuuuute” (i’m imitating my wellesley girlfriends imitating me), and in the past almost 2 years, he has proven me right in what i positively knew since even before april 4, 1999 – that he’d be an amazing father.  and he is.  he has not disappointed.  when i see him with toni, it is a special and specific joy i feel in my heart.  it makes me want to have 10 more kids with him (but don’t hold me to that).  it makes me love him even more.

ok he just walked in so now i feel weird gushing about him.  done.

happy easter to everyone,  happy birthday to me.  =)

my antonia

toni’s been really clingy to me for a while now, and especially when she’s sick.  andy’s totally jealous.  =9  sometimes it inconveniences me, and once in a while it annoys me, but almost all of the time i absolutely love it and revel in it.  i know that, sooner than i’d like (well, i guess i’d “like” for never),  it won’t be the case anymore; she’ll move on to being clingy to andy, daddy’s little girl, and after that she won’t be clingy at all to anyone….so i savor it now, every drop.  the three nights a week that i get to put her to bed, she absolutely won’t leave my arms.  she asks for “mummo time” (one more time) to be rocked in the rocking chair, to be sung a lullaby…and when i finally pull her off me, which is a real feat by the way (she’s always been freakishly strong, although everyone knows how pathetically weak i am too) she desperately wails like the world is closing in and she can’t breathe, and i cave every time.  when did i become such a sucker?  it’s just a lovely feeling to be so needed and wanted.  i know that that’s certainly a big part of the issues i’ve been working on this past year – my idols, my sinful desires, my wanting to be recognized, my dissatisfaction with God alone – so i don’t deny any of that by any means.  but all that aside…it’s just plain wonderful to be able to be the one to quell your child’s sobs just by embracing her in your arms.  all the hard work i did sleep-training her from day one – these days they feel all for naught, but i don’t mind.  so as i sit there rocking and holding her close to my chest, feeling the sweat forming between us but not caring (and i point this out because you know how ocd anal i am and in any other circumstance i’d be grossed out), i marvel at how big she’s gotten, just even physically.  i don’t think anyone else says more often than i do that “time flies;” if i gave myself a dime for every time i said that phrase, i’d be a millionaire, haha.  every time i say it out loud, i say it because i’m yet again genuinely amazed at how quickly time does fly – it’s almost frightening that it could seem like yesterday i was holding her in my arms at the hospital, in this euphoric, dubious daze, staring down at a 7 pound miracle that just came out of my body.  how could that already be almost 2 years ago, and how could she already be almost 20 pounds heavier, speaking and listening and understanding and being so dang physically heavy!?  of course then the tears come, slowly but surely.  tears of thanksgiving that God loves me enough to gift me with this precious, beautiful gift.  tears of guilt that many times i know i love the gift more than the Giver.  tears of sadness for already missing toni the baby, and even toni the toddler.  knowing that in the blink of an eye, she’ll be big enough for me to have to teach her how to tie her shoelaces, how to ride a bike, about boys and the birds and the bees, about how life is not fair but it is good because God is great…but most of all i cry because i am thankful.  i am humbled with thanksgiving that despite my utter wickedness and depravity, God has deemed it so that i shall be a steward and the earthly mother to His precious daughter antonia…and of course the clincher is that as much as i love toni, as intense and overwhelming and insane as it is, i know that it pales exponentially to how much God loves me, enough to send HIS son to the cross for me.  and it is in knowing all this as truth that the tears come.  i am overcome.  my cup runneth over.  thank you Lord.